Ice Cream
Waving legs,
sticky fingers and face,
a wooden bench on Main Street.
Rainbow sprinkles on white swirled cream,
Eyes crinkled and cheeks pleasantly ache at the goodness in the moment.
A stainless steel spoon,
the gallon tub of coffee in the freezer.
Sprinkled almonds, dripped syrup, sitting
or standing, in the dark kitchen
A souvenir helmet, please.
Crunchies on top, plastic spoon, stadium lights,
on Hot summer days,
or layered in gear on cold October nights.
A crisp five in my hand
Pulled from the painted nails of Baba's grasp
I confidently approach the machine
Wet bathing suit hugs my small frame
A King Cone or a Sandwich
One of each then we share?
Gripped at cone’s end
Or on the table,
Or balanced on my lap,
There are never too many napkins.
And no matter what,
My eyes, cheeks, and tummy grin at the goodness in the moment.
sticky fingers and face,
a wooden bench on Main Street.
Rainbow sprinkles on white swirled cream,
Eyes crinkled and cheeks pleasantly ache at the goodness in the moment.
A stainless steel spoon,
the gallon tub of coffee in the freezer.
Sprinkled almonds, dripped syrup, sitting
or standing, in the dark kitchen
A souvenir helmet, please.
Crunchies on top, plastic spoon, stadium lights,
on Hot summer days,
or layered in gear on cold October nights.
A crisp five in my hand
Pulled from the painted nails of Baba's grasp
I confidently approach the machine
Wet bathing suit hugs my small frame
A King Cone or a Sandwich
One of each then we share?
Gripped at cone’s end
Or on the table,
Or balanced on my lap,
There are never too many napkins.
And no matter what,
My eyes, cheeks, and tummy grin at the goodness in the moment.
I really like that there are different scenes conveyed in the poem. It convinces the audience of innocence and pure joy. The only thing I'm a little confused about is if it's about reminiscing of a better time in life or just a nice reflection on ice cream and a child's joy for the sugary treat.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Honey! Did the confusion have to do with the title? Because now its changed. I think that I was confused about just that when I was writing it.
DeleteThis poem made me smile! :) I never knew ice cream (and its variety of fixings) could be described with such imagery. I like how you described the presence of ice cream in your life at different times and places.
ReplyDeleteWhen you write, "My eyes, cheeks, and tummy grin at the goodness in the moment" are you saying that the moment is good because of the ice cream exclusively, or beyond it?
-Talya
ReplyDeleteThis poem is an enjoyable read, and I think you had excellent imagery that allowed me to experience what you were experiencing. I think a part of the appeal to this poem is how innocent it is—how such simple and seemingly insignificant moments can make us so happy. I would try to tighten the narrative a bit more so that there is more clarity in regards to the events taking place and the moments you describe.
I also loved the innocence of the poem, Chana. It was a nostalgic piece, and I thought that you did a beautiful job weaving the poem into one flowing, cohesive piece through the different "ice cream" images established in each stanza. As mentioned in a previous comment, I'd suggest clarifying the speaker's actions in the second stanza: "...sitting/ standing, in the dark kitchen, prancing in the cold delight."
DeleteThanks for this comment, Sophia. I just wanted to note that you left your comment in reply to Rachel, rather than to Chana. Instead of hitting reply to other students' comments, instead, please use the "Add Comment" button toward the bottom, below the other student comments on the poem. Unless you want to reply to another student's comment, this is how you should leave comments on poems. Thanks!
DeleteI love the imagery and context of the poem. I think it allows the reader to put themselves in the situation and invites a childlike feel that I love. The only thing I struggle with is the repetition of the line "goodness in the moment." I think it could work really well and tie the piece together, but it sounds a bit forced and awkward because of the word choice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your that "goodness in the moment" is not the strongest line in the poem. It's a bit abstract.
DeleteI think that there's a very nice contrast between all the scenes described. In the second stanza, maybe the word "prancing" is a little out of place? It's just hard to envision.
ReplyDeleteAs I see it, this poem has two significant strengths: you do a good job staying descriptive and bringing the details to life with language that appeals to the senses, and you write with a naturalness and ease that is attractive. The poem does not feel forced to me, and in this regard, I esepcially like the line "There are never too many napkins," which sounds so natural but also uses consonance with its lovely "n" sounds.
ReplyDeleteMy other favorite moment is the line, "A souvenir helmet, please." With this line, I see a chocolate coating that has hardened around the smooth sphere of the ice cream, like a helmet on a head. It's a fresh way of portraying this image, and it really springs to life in my mind.
Now I do think there are some small confusions in the poem. "Waving legs" does not make sense to me as an opening line in a poem about ice cream. Legs seems like the wrong body part. Also, the syntax makes it sound like you mean "waving faces." I think the opening could be better by fixing in on the ice cream and being more focused.
I also think the poem could be a little bit longer--maybe one or two more ice cream scenes would help enhance the atmosphere.
But great job staying descriptive, and as others have noted, the innocence feel of the poem makes it a pleasant read.
I think this poem does a great job at fostering sentimentality. I like the "souvenir helmet", the description of "hot summer days" or "layered in gear on cold October nights" (it's so relatable! In my family, we are very into ice cream without making these silly differentiations of whether or not it's "the right season" for it :), the "you can never have too many napkins", and the various descriptions of holding the cone. I was a bit confused about the bleachers- are they real bleachers, or imagined? If they're real, why is the author in bleachers? I also think this poem would benefit from less technical descriptions. For instance, instead of describing "sprinkled almonds" or "crunchies on top", you can write about the experience of eating the ice cream while making it obvious that the ice cream has toppings. Maybe writing about the smooth coldness and the crunch, and what associations you have with those tastes and textures. There were some other technical descriptions I thought should be removed such as noting that there is ice cream in the freezer, or that the spoon is stainless steel, which doesn't clearly advance the mood of the poem, in my mind. I would even be less technical than "my eyes, cheeks, and tummy grin at the goodness in the moment", which I think is too much telling and not enough showing (I already got this sense from some of the fond descriptions you used earlier in the poem!) Overall awesome job though, I enjoyed reading this very relatable work :)
ReplyDeleteChana, I love how you play with ice-cream as a symbol, or association with different moments, or times in the speaker’s life. I could also sence the age differences in each stanza via flavor choice, setting, diction etc. Your oxymoronic phrase, “pleasantly ache,” is such a relatable feeling. I had a question on one of your lines, I didn’t fully understand what “a souvenir helmet” meant.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteMakes me want to eat ice cream....makes me feel the ice cream in my mouth...
ReplyDeleteYou mention spoons twice so I would get rid of one